I was raised a member of the LDS church, and have been a member for my entire life. I was baptized at age 8, served a mission in Maracaibo, Venezuela at age 19, attended and graduated from BYU, met my wife at a church in Dallas, and we were married in the Dallas Temple. We then raised three children and were one big happy church-going family.

The church (at least at the local level) has no paid clergy or staff, so members are called to serve in various forms. I have served in various capacities over the years, including as an early morning seminary teacher, ward clerk, Sunday school president, elders quorum president, high priest group leader, and in various young men’s presidencies (including at the stake level). My wife served as relief society president, primary president (both at the ward and stake levels), and as the stake communications director. We were all in.

So what happened and where are we now? Most people do not question their long-held beliefs unless shaken by one or more major events. I wish that I were an exception to that rule, but I am not. This section of the blog will describe the events and thought processes that came to redefine my faith.

Where am I now? The answer to that is complicated, and is still evolving. My beliefs are hard to define and would be considered heresy by most Christians (and I am OK with that). Ironically, I have had many long religious and philosophical discussions with atheists, and those discussions almost always go way better than when I talk to other Christians (although I still consider myself a theist). I am still a member of the LDS church, but I am best described as “on the edge of inside” (not “all in” but also not “fully out”).

The church teaches that those who lose their faith do so for one of two reasons:

• It is too hard to be a member, and they just want to sin.
• They stop reading, studying, praying, and participating until they eventually become weak and fall away.

Neither of these describe my experience.

This journey is personal, but I feel the need to share it in case somebody might benefit from it. My non-religious friends probably will not understand any of this, whereas my LDS friends will be horrified by it (and will undoubtably tell me where I am wrong). I don’t write this to criticize the LDS church (although I will share my honest feelings, which aren’t always positive), nor to persuade others to leave the LDS church. If somebody is easily offended, this story might not be for you.